Friendly Neighborhood Dracula

You come to me and say -- would you buy a comic book about Dracula, but with Vlad as a ripped super-hero in purple spandex who fights off wicked tornado wielding dirigibles? And I would reply to you, damnhellshit yes, how much do I save on the three year subscription plan?

My Greatest Adventure... or just My Bad?

Our friend the Sun is quite often portrayed in the media as a gently smiling friend to all. But listen, the day your head suddenly transmorgifies into a blistering hot circle of mahoosive destruction, I'm betting your expression will be more like that of our chum Sun Creature here. Good grief, indeed.

Woodgod - a Man-Brute in every way, wink wink

Think Hulk, but with goat legs and a mullet, and then you've got Woodgod. You'd think that "Woody" is a sure thing on the Hollywood fast track as the next Marvel movie blockbuster, but then, you'd have been really drunk or something. Me, I would not wait for the trade paperback collection of the Ultimate Woodgod versus Ultimate Man-Thing mini-series, if ever such a wonderful comic was produced. Until then, perhaps Pfizer will stumble upon him while researching keywords for their Viagra Adwords campaign, and discover their ultimate product spokesperson. And then he'll be thrust back into the spotlight a big way.

Active Comics... featuring Active Jim

Thunderfist? Active Jim? Dixon of the Mounted? Say, one moment here, what kind of comic book is this anyway? And for God's sake Brain, cover up for once.

Jell-O Man and Wobbly

This Collector's Edition of JeIl-O Man contains his secret origin, which I suspect has something to do with ground-up pig hooves (but don't tell that to Wobbly, he is wonderfully pure in his innocence). In the next issue, these clear, red, quivering masses of super yum heroes tangle with Vodka Man and Woozy, and then drunken bliss ensues.

God's Smuggler

It's weird, I am often found nervously whispering "Please make seeing eyes blind" too, but that's when I'm looking at pornography at work. I suppose it would be equally effective at a Russian border crossing. Either way, it makes for great drama. This issue of God's Smuggler is one of my favorites, because it perfectly sets up the God's Smuggler Versus Predator crossover.

It was a Comic Cavalcade indeed

"Ha ha, what a most glorious day this has been, my friends!" shouted Flash, as he sprinted down into the daisy field. "Just you try to catch me!"

"Ho, what sport is this?" gleefully responded Green Lantern. A fine red hue spread across the sky, and he couldn't recall such a spectacular dusk as this. He was overcome with joy. "It seems that the game is afoot!"

"Now boys!" cried Wonder Woman with a zeal she had not felt since her days dancing in the golden island sand with her sisters. Oh, how she laughed, swinging so high she felt as if her fingers could grace the resplendent face of the moon.

Capwolf! An even lower career point than being assassinated

In honor of Captain America's recent assassination, here is what is often considered the low point in Cap's star studded career -- the Capwolf. Don't you dare laugh though. Think this through with me. If he was in wolf mode, they would have needed a silver bullet to kill him, so in retrospect he probably should never have been cured. See? Sometimes the most important lessons in life are the most painful.

The Terror of Tim Boo Ba!

Has there ever been any name as terrifying as Tim Boo Ba (his friends just call him "Tim"). At least he's wearing a skirt, but on this planet of small life forms, we now see where the terror stems from. Please note that is the magazine that respects your intelligence.

Godzilla Vs. Barkley

We start our exploration of the worst comic book ideas ever with one of the classics. Just what is Godzilla spewing on Charles on this cover anyway? How would Barkley have faired against that 3 headed monster that they all used to beat up on? Is there a Mecha-Barkley? None of this is likely answered in this issue.