Here is a great photo cover from Saga of the Swamp Thing #2. The photo supplied, of course, from the award winning major motion picture, which the cover proudly attributes to Avco-Embassy! You remember them, right? I thought you didn't.
Now us comic fans will remember that, just a couple years after this issue came out, writer Alan Moore would take over and create an industry changing "mature readers" comic that would give birth to the Vertigo line and countless other great series where we get to see our characters use swear words and flash their unmentionables. But this series kicks it off in style, proudly displaying the movie version of Swampy. Here, he's seen either a) describing the physical size of a lady he was with last night, b) playing "I love you this much" with Swamp Mommy, or c) playing cowboy shoot-off with his brother Larry Thing ("Draw....pard...nuh").
Swamp Thing Sez: "Her... hips... were... like... THIS... big!"
Warlord versus a not-so-Grim Reaper
So... the Grim Reaper outs himself here in the lost world of the Warlord. Hey, look what Warlord's wearing, can you blame the poor guy for getting over-excited like that? He's very possessive though, a big red flag here to potential suitors.
She-Hulk Nude and Naked!
The title of this post is gratuitously aimed at attracting some search engine traffic -- you know who you are. Now that that's out of the way, this is still a pretty messed up cover, care of writer/artist/feminist John Byrne. She-Hulk is a lawyer, though, so I guess I don't feel that bad... she was asking for it. And one more time for you searchers: nude, naked, exposed She-Hulk. Thank you.
UPDATE: I was joking about this post until I checked my log files.. all I can say is, don't be ashamed if you stumbled onto this post looking for our green super-heroine with no clothes on, cause you're just one of several hundreds! I wish I could help you out. (Except for the person searching for "nude hulk"... that, I do not want to see, thank heavens for stretchy purple pants.)
The Obligatory Giant-Size Man-Thing Post
Does it ever get old? Not to me, I still laugh at farts. So in honor of the greatest comic-book title of all time, and because no comic book blog would be official without giving mention to it at least once, I give you, in all of its erotic, swamp-water-dripping, Howard the Duck guest starring glory: 68 big pages of Giant-Size Man-Thing. (There, I said it.)
It's Fin Fang Fantastic!
Any cover featuring one Fin Fang Foom is ultimately fan-freakin-tastic in my book. Add a purple hued It the Living Colossus to the mix? You've got comic ass-kickery. The fact that they're both wearing shorts that match their skin hues? Double ass-kickery. The fact that Fin Fang Foom's shorts come with a hole big enough for his tail? There are no words. Then... then... a cover blurb that cites Five Claws of Death -- when Fin Fang clearly only has four -- karate chopping a telephone poll? You're thinking, how could they only have charged a quarter for this? All I know is, if I ever lose phone service again (meaning my land line, I'm hip to all this cell phone jazz), I can only pray it's because two monsters were fighting it out on my block in their underpants.
What's Captain Marvel Compensating For?
Hey, it was called "Whiz Comics" after all. And don't you think that "the Engine of Doom" is the most perfectest phallic euphemism ever? I imagine most most politicians do. Shazam!
All Flash Needs To Do Is Find a Bathroom
By the look on his face, it seems that not even the mighty Flash can defeat a lower gastro-intestinal disturbance of this magnitude. His thought balloon here would probably read something like "Fastest man alive, fastest man alive, FASTEST MAN ALIVE!"
Women....
Ah, the original Batgirl. Was she a vain, girly stereotype or a brilliant tactician? I know if I were Thug #4, I would stop and release my choke hold on Batman to check out her milky white thigh any day. Grrrl power!
Golem : The Thing That Loved Like a Man
Surely, the Golem did more like a man than just walk. But I guess that sounded cooler than "The Thing That Never Asks Directions Like a Man!" or "The Thing That Only Washes His Hands in the Men's Room if Another Guy is There Like a Man!" But the greatest thing on this cover is our machine gun shooting friend of Middle Eastern descent. Is he the coolest cat in the desert or what. His jeep is being tossed around by a giant purple statue that can't be bothered with a rib cage bullet of hot lead, yet he still finds the time to state his frustration: "Gunfire -- tanks -- Nothing will stop him! Is he Man or Monster?" It's good to get those emotions off your chest in stressful situations, I suppose. If it were me in the picture, my word balloon would read something like, oh, perhaps: "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT MOTHER F --AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" in a pitch far too high for a man's voice.
Guess Who's Never Getting Invited Back to the Olympics?
Where's Mitt Romney when you need him? Spidey and Hulk are just making a mess of things. Typical Americans. Yet still, something along these lines would probably be the only reason I'd watch the Winter Olympics at all. That, and maybe curling. I'm sorry, the Olympics are so boring that I can barely even finish typing this post. I'm surprised you're still reading this too. Isn't American Idol on? That's the new Olympics in my book. I watch that and chant "USA! USA!" more than you might think. It just feels right.
Godzilla's Comic Book Low Point
I have been reduced to the size of a ferret. I am being pursed by a man with a red mustache, bolar hat and a cee-gar. But don't pity me. For I... I am still king of the monsters. And you? You have wasted 35 cents on this comic book.
Most Homoerotic Superhero Costume Ever Award
Is Superman crying because Lois is presumably dead, or are his eyes simply stinging after looking at the shocking male stripper outfit sported by the alien superhero Vartox? Apparently "gaydar" isn't one of Supes' many special abilities, or else he would have seen this one coming.
Worst Spider-Man Comic Ever
In celebration of the release of Spider-Man 3, it was imperative that the worst Spider-Man comic every published be acknowledged. The easy route would have been to go with any or all of the Spider-Clone saga, or maybe that creepy issue where it was revealed that the underage Glen Stacy hooked up with Norman Osborn. Or when Aunt May married Doc Ock. Or when Rocket Racer and the Big Wheel teamed up on him. That really happened. No, for the purposes this day, it had to be the Hypno-Hustler and his eight tracks of evil. It's what happens when you mix Disco with hypnosis, and add in a dash of villainy.
Murderess! Murderess! MURDERESS!
There are three words that describe this issue of Supergirl. They are, in no particular order, "Murderess," "Murderess." and "Murderess." That's all I've got to say.
Oh, to hell with it.
MURDERESS!!!!!
Hey, Let's Torture Batman!
Sure, I enjoy a good yarn about Batman being burned alive in 1692 by Superman as the next fanboy, but for pity's sake, space them out a few issues, would you? They lose their "oomph" this way. These two covers are from World's Finest 186 and 187, two unrelated issues, both sporting similar cover themes. That's all sorts of crazy. I read that Superman was a mean drunk, but I had no idea.
History tells us that these old fashioned Bat-Witch burnings were cruel. Yet somewhere, two fat 15ish kids are chest bumping to this. I don't understand these kids.
Fight Comics! Tell it, brother!
Finally, you can judge a book by its cover. The only thing better than a comic-book called "Fight Comics" would have been a comic-book called "Fight Gorilla Comics." Or maybe "Micheal Bay Presents Fight Gorilla Comics." No, wait... "Micheal Bay Presents Fight Gorilla Comics in IMAX 3-D."
Best Almost Mr. T Moment in an X-Men Spin-Off Comic Book
The New Mutants versus Mr. T?!? A shocking backlash against his "Treat Your Mother Right" song? No, sadly, the world was never that awesome. If it was, I'd be holding a polybagged mint copy of the Power Pack versus Dolph Lundgren Treasury Edition. No, despite the tease on this cover, it's just a knock-off villain with a mohawk, ax, and the inability to pronounce the "d" at the end of the word "and." Look, it was the eighties an' no one used that "d".
One Part Batman. One Part Hulk. All Parts AWESOME.
If this comic doesn't scream "Batman TV Show", I don't know what does. Except maybe Burt Ward, when someone asks him across a busy street, "Hey buddy, where do I know you from?" But that's beside the point. The point here is that Batman becomes a rather thick and distorted Bat-Hulk in this issue of the Brave and the F-ed Up. Only in this issue, thankfully, and they didn't follow it up with the proposed Spiderbat-Aquahulk. Best of all, it didn't even leave stretch marks on Mr. Wayne.
Male Pattern Baldness Superhero Vs.Gorgilla!
In a weird and wonderful turn of events, it seems that Gorgilla (the middle "g" is most definitely not silent), known to many as the Monster of Midnight Mountain, is indeed alive and really, really upset about something. It's likely that he has to face off against Dr. Druid, probably the only super-hero I can think of who sports the classic male pattern baldness look and opted not to go for the fully shaven effect. It's why he got booted from the Avengers so quickly, they thought he was like 48 or something when he was only 32. Now he's fighting back... he's not only the hair club president, he's also its potent practitioner of the occults arts.
Ghost Rider vs. Black Juju!
What makes this comic so special? Is it the flaming skulled, leather clad lead character? Is it the oncoming train? The ready to blow dynamite? No. Say it with me: Black Juju. It feels good, doesn't it? Say it out loud, even if you're at work, it's a conversation starter. Black Juju. Dynamite indeed!
Blackhawk vs. the Eight-Limbed Octi-Ape
I don't know what's the greatest thing about this cover. Is it the eight-limbed Octi-Ape? Is it the very presence of our Asian friend "Chop Chop?" Is it Blackhawk's description of the bizarre events unfolding before his eyes? Or is it some wonderful combination of elements? Maybe this is a question for future historians. We just need to live in the moment.
Blue Beetle vs. the Giant Mummy who... wait for it... was not Dead!
Are any Mummies -- specifically, the ones who walk around in white bandages with one arm kind of tied up like a sling -- considered alive? I don't know, I hadn't really thought about it before until reading this cover blurb. Nevertheless, I would rewrite it to read: "The Giant Mummy who was not DEAD and who was sporting a camel toe."
Neutro, the Most Astounding Super Hero of All?
Neutro does not know the difference between right and wrong, but he does know that thigh high leather boots are a burning beacon of raw sexuality.
Friendly Neighborhood Dracula
You come to me and say -- would you buy a comic book about Dracula, but with Vlad as a ripped super-hero in purple spandex who fights off wicked tornado wielding dirigibles? And I would reply to you, damnhellshit yes, how much do I save on the three year subscription plan?
My Greatest Adventure... or just My Bad?
Our friend the Sun is quite often portrayed in the media as a gently smiling friend to all. But listen, the day your head suddenly transmorgifies into a blistering hot circle of mahoosive destruction, I'm betting your expression will be more like that of our chum Sun Creature here. Good grief, indeed.
Woodgod - a Man-Brute in every way, wink wink
Think Hulk, but with goat legs and a mullet, and then you've got Woodgod. You'd think that "Woody" is a sure thing on the Hollywood fast track as the next Marvel movie blockbuster, but then, you'd have been really drunk or something. Me, I would not wait for the trade paperback collection of the Ultimate Woodgod versus Ultimate Man-Thing mini-series, if ever such a wonderful comic was produced. Until then, perhaps Pfizer will stumble upon him while researching keywords for their Viagra Adwords campaign, and discover their ultimate product spokesperson. And then he'll be thrust back into the spotlight a big way.
Active Comics... featuring Active Jim
Thunderfist? Active Jim? Dixon of the Mounted? Say, one moment here, what kind of comic book is this anyway? And for God's sake Brain, cover up for once.
Jell-O Man and Wobbly
This Collector's Edition of JeIl-O Man contains his secret origin, which I suspect has something to do with ground-up pig hooves (but don't tell that to Wobbly, he is wonderfully pure in his innocence). In the next issue, these clear, red, quivering masses of super yum heroes tangle with Vodka Man and Woozy, and then drunken bliss ensues.
God's Smuggler
It's weird, I am often found nervously whispering "Please make seeing eyes blind" too, but that's when I'm looking at pornography at work. I suppose it would be equally effective at a Russian border crossing. Either way, it makes for great drama. This issue of God's Smuggler is one of my favorites, because it perfectly sets up the God's Smuggler Versus Predator crossover.
It was a Comic Cavalcade indeed
"Ha ha, what a most glorious day this has been, my friends!" shouted Flash, as he sprinted down into the daisy field. "Just you try to catch me!"
"Ho, what sport is this?" gleefully responded Green Lantern. A fine red hue spread across the sky, and he couldn't recall such a spectacular dusk as this. He was overcome with joy. "It seems that the game is afoot!"
"Now boys!" cried Wonder Woman with a zeal she had not felt since her days dancing in the golden island sand with her sisters. Oh, how she laughed, swinging so high she felt as if her fingers could grace the resplendent face of the moon.
Capwolf! An even lower career point than being assassinated
In honor of Captain America's recent assassination, here is what is often considered the low point in Cap's star studded career -- the Capwolf. Don't you dare laugh though. Think this through with me. If he was in wolf mode, they would have needed a silver bullet to kill him, so in retrospect he probably should never have been cured. See? Sometimes the most important lessons in life are the most painful.
The Terror of Tim Boo Ba!
Has there ever been any name as terrifying as Tim Boo Ba (his friends just call him "Tim"). At least he's wearing a skirt, but on this planet of small life forms, we now see where the terror stems from. Please note that is the magazine that respects your intelligence.
Godzilla Vs. Barkley
We start our exploration of the worst comic book ideas ever with one of the classics. Just what is Godzilla spewing on Charles on this cover anyway? How would Barkley have faired against that 3 headed monster that they all used to beat up on? Is there a Mecha-Barkley? None of this is likely answered in this issue.