You'll Never Forget Your First Googam

You know, I sure won't forget MY first Googam. Sure, he basically ruined my living room, reaching in with his surprisingly foul smelling fingers, each one the size of chunky alligator. He reached in, smashing the window, pulled out our couch and swallowed it whole. You see, Goom (his dad) never really got Googam into good dental habits and he basically was all gums. He left after taking the couch, but he looked back first, with those little round eyes, so angry but yet, behind them, there was something more. Something, I will now admit, that thrilled me as never before.

Insurance basically covered the mess.

Golem : The Thing That Loved Like a Man

Surely, the Golem did more like a man than just walk. But I guess that sounded cooler than "The Thing That Never Asks Directions Like a Man!" or "The Thing That Only Washes His Hands in the Men's Room if Another Guy is There Like a Man!" But the greatest thing on this cover is our machine gun shooting friend of Middle Eastern descent. Is he the coolest cat in the desert or what. His jeep is being tossed around by a giant purple statue that can't be bothered with a rib cage bullet of hot lead, yet he still finds the time to state his frustration: "Gunfire -- tanks -- Nothing will stop him! Is he Man or Monster?" It's good to get those emotions off your chest in stressful situations, I suppose. If it were me in the picture, my word balloon would read something like, oh, perhaps: "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT MOTHER F --AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" in a pitch far too high for a man's voice.

Godzilla's Comic Book Low Point

I have been reduced to the size of a ferret. I am being pursed by a man with a red mustache, bolar hat and a cee-gar. But don't pity me. For I... I am still king of the monsters. And you? You have wasted 35 cents on this comic book.

Blackhawk vs. the Eight-Limbed Octi-Ape

I don't know what's the greatest thing about this cover. Is it the eight-limbed Octi-Ape? Is it the very presence of our Asian friend "Chop Chop?" Is it Blackhawk's description of the bizarre events unfolding before his eyes? Or is it some wonderful combination of elements? Maybe this is a question for future historians. We just need to live in the moment.

Blue Beetle vs. the Giant Mummy who... wait for it... was not Dead!

Are any Mummies -- specifically, the ones who walk around in white bandages with one arm kind of tied up like a sling -- considered alive? I don't know, I hadn't really thought about it before until reading this cover blurb. Nevertheless, I would rewrite it to read: "The Giant Mummy who was not DEAD and who was sporting a camel toe."

Friendly Neighborhood Dracula

You come to me and say -- would you buy a comic book about Dracula, but with Vlad as a ripped super-hero in purple spandex who fights off wicked tornado wielding dirigibles? And I would reply to you, damnhellshit yes, how much do I save on the three year subscription plan?

My Greatest Adventure... or just My Bad?

Our friend the Sun is quite often portrayed in the media as a gently smiling friend to all. But listen, the day your head suddenly transmorgifies into a blistering hot circle of mahoosive destruction, I'm betting your expression will be more like that of our chum Sun Creature here. Good grief, indeed.

Woodgod - a Man-Brute in every way, wink wink

Think Hulk, but with goat legs and a mullet, and then you've got Woodgod. You'd think that "Woody" is a sure thing on the Hollywood fast track as the next Marvel movie blockbuster, but then, you'd have been really drunk or something. Me, I would not wait for the trade paperback collection of the Ultimate Woodgod versus Ultimate Man-Thing mini-series, if ever such a wonderful comic was produced. Until then, perhaps Pfizer will stumble upon him while researching keywords for their Viagra Adwords campaign, and discover their ultimate product spokesperson. And then he'll be thrust back into the spotlight a big way.

Capwolf! An even lower career point than being assassinated

In honor of Captain America's recent assassination, here is what is often considered the low point in Cap's star studded career -- the Capwolf. Don't you dare laugh though. Think this through with me. If he was in wolf mode, they would have needed a silver bullet to kill him, so in retrospect he probably should never have been cured. See? Sometimes the most important lessons in life are the most painful.

The Terror of Tim Boo Ba!

Has there ever been any name as terrifying as Tim Boo Ba (his friends just call him "Tim"). At least he's wearing a skirt, but on this planet of small life forms, we now see where the terror stems from. Please note that is the magazine that respects your intelligence.